I love going to the movies and I do it often. I treat going to my local Regal Theatre with 800 screens, no, 18 actually, like someone going to Six Flags. I basically buy a ticket and I leave when I am tired of watching movies.
I will go see a movie I have not seen and then go see a second movie and then even a third movie sometimes, or just go see a movie again that I liked and want to see again. Sometimes I go watch a movie just to see one scene I really liked or just to look at a pretty actress again for a few minutes and leave. Bye, bye, time for me to go home now, maybe I will see you again pretty girl that will never know I exist, I love you.
Today was one of my movie adventure days and I have several stories to tell so this is the first of possibly a few blog posts. Basically I am really in the mood to write.
The movie I went to see today was Southpaw starring Jake Gyllenhaal, and yes, I had to Google his name, can anyone other than a Gyllenhaal actually spell Gyllenhaal without help?
The movie was good, the movie could have been great but the screenplay let us down, regardless, the purpose of this post is not to review Southpaw.
By the way, Jake was robbed last year in not getting an Oscar nom for his performance in Nightcrawler and if you have not seen that film, stop reading this and watch it now, Jake is amazing. This is not as great a performance but hopefully the Academy makes it up to him this year as he is still really really damn good in this film.
OK, back to my story. The film was in one of the smaller theatres so I grabbed my preferred seating location, center back row where I can masturbate in privacy.
No, no, no, that was a joke, I have never masturbated in a theatre though it is on my bucket list and I will do it eventually. I also do not imagine it will be a Jake Gyllenhaal film, I prefer to masturbate to Matthew McConaughey films.
Again a joke, I am straight regardless of what you may have heard from my past girlfriends.
During the trailers a woman sat two seats down from me, the theatre was pretty empty so I consider that a bum rush but, as I mentioned, she was a woman so I was able to deal with it.
After a few minutes she said something to me and, at first, I did not realize she was talking to me. Again, excuse me, and I responded to her this time. She had something in her hand reaching it out to me, would you like these she said, they appeared to be cheese sticks. I asked her, do you not like them? She said, no, they are good, just too much. So, OK, sure, I took them, thanking her.
I know, who takes leftovers from strangers in a theatre?
I will admit it was my first time but since I have a long history of being drunk and asking people if they are going to finish “that” in restaurants and since I was hungry, today was a no eating day, and since I also have a hard and fast rule that I do not turn down free alcohol, free food or free vagina, my instinct was to take what she was giving.
As I finished my first stick of fried cheese, which came with a mini bucket of marinara dipping sauce, I suddenly thought, damn, I wonder if she doubled dipped in this already opened and already used mini bucket of marinara dipping sauce?
Then I thought, well, I do kiss strange women, I even welcome the chance to eat their pussy. Lets be honest, if this woman said, hey, would you like to take me home and eat my pussy and being that it has been such a long, long time since I have heard a woman ask that, I am probably saying yes.
So, bottom line, should I really be worried that she may have double dipped a cheese stick? I started in on the second stick of cheese.
By the way, if you did not catch this already, I have never ever heard a woman say, hey, would you like to take me home and eat my pussy but its a nice thought that it might have happened and if you thought it had actually happened. Thank you.
So, I am enjoying my cheese, but suddenly I think, fuck, she thinks I am some hungry homeless man that snuck in to the theatre to get some sleep. I only shave like once a week and since my beard now grows out white, add a ragged baseball hat and, well, I do look like a homeless guy.
Damn, I just went from eating her pussy to being a charity case. Screw it, I am hungry and this cheese is really hitting the spot, my ego will just have to get over it.
As I start in on the third stick, I have yet another thought. I watch way too much CNN which is basically, Trump, white people doing bad things to black people, missing plane, white people doing bad things to black people, Muslims shooting Americans, white people doing bad things to black people, you get the idea, so I suddenly think, is this some kind of bizarre undercover news story?
She is a black woman, we are in the south and I am white guy. Maybe they were thinking, after the white homeless guy refuses the black woman’s leftover cheese sticks, we have some kind of proof of universal racism and I just screwed it up.
Damn it Anderson, he is eating the cheese even though her black spit may be in the mini bucket of marinara sauce, quit filming, we will have to find another white guy in the theatre and blow our entire budget on some more Regal Theatre cheese sticks.
I quickly dismiss this theory. I may have a paranoid imagination but I am not yet quite that crazy that I actually really think that I am the subject of an undercover fried cheese racism sting.
So I finish my free snack accepting that she was just being nice….she simply made sure the old homeless white guy had something to eat today. Good for her, nice lady.